Getting healthy

I've been working on losing weight and getting in shape lately.  For about the last three or four weeks.  I'm getting a lot of people asking me if I'm doing this for the 'right reasons' and I'm getting a bit frustrated with it.  My husband asks me at least once a week, or else makes a comment to the effect of am I doing this for myself, and not because I think he'd prefer a slimmer, better looking wife.  My parents ask if I'm doing this because my friends want me to lose weight because they're embarrassed to be seen with me (which really  makes me wonder, because the last person I 'went out' with for a girls' night was bigger than me, so I'm sure she wasn't embarrassed to be seen with me).  Am I doing this because my kids don't like my weight.  Questions like that come all the time.

I'm setting it straight right now...  I am doing this for ME.  Because the weight I'm carrying right now is affecting my asthma, it's exacerbating the pain in my knees and ankles, and I'm thinking that my weight also contributed to the problems in my feet.  I don't know, but I think my weight is also contributing to my fibro, and might be causing me to flare more often, but I haven't a clue on that, would need to do some research and check that out. IDK.  I know carrying extra weight is part of my lack of energy (WITH the fibro!).

I am losing the weight, and getting in better shape because it's good for me.  I want to be healthier, have more energy, and live a longer and better life for my kids.  I'm doing this for me, and for them.  They deserve to have a healthy mom, and I don't want to pass *MY* body issues on to my daughter, or let my kids learn my really bad habits and have the unhealthy lifestyle I've lived for the last how many years.  I've been over 200 pounds since I married my second husband (excepting a brief period after I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery and blood, where I dropped to 175 for a few weeks until I got pregnant again).  I had two days recently where I weighed in at 219, and it was the best two days I've had in YEARS, because I haven't weight under 220 in forever!

I'm back up at almost 230, and I want it to go away.
I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.


My plan for that is to follow the plan that SparkPeople has set up for me:
Walk three times a week at least (I'm working on getting it to every day).  
Part of my walking three times a week, I will walk 9 miles a week and walk 5000 steps a day
I will burn 500 calories a day
I will continue to keep my food diary, as well as keeping a trigger diary for foods that trigger my IBS at least four days a week.
No soda, no mochas from the coffee shop (cheaper to make at home, AND less calories).




Non-food oriented goals to help with my physical fitness and mental fitness (which is JUST as important, possibly MORE important) will be:
SUPPORT MYSELF: Be nice to yourself at least once per day
Meditate 20 minutes at least three times a week
Declutter 15 minutes at least once a week
Journal every day

Busy busy busy, as always

I swear, even on days when I don't do ANYTHING, I feel like I'm running 1000 miles an hour. So, today, when I've managed to get a few things done, plus run around taking Da Hubband to work and getting a couple bills paid, I feel like I've run a marathon!  Add to that the heat, and I think I'm about ready to drop!

On a good note, however, it's almost dinner time, and I've only had one smoke today.  I'm back to only having three maybe four smokes a day again, so quitting soon shouldn't be too difficult.  I'm looking forward to that.  I'm tired of smoking again, and having the heavy-smoking roommate no longer living here, I'm going to be able to quit so much easier!  For someone who said that they wanted to quit, they never put a lot of effort into it. *snerk*  C'est la vie.  They're gone, so I'm working on it. :)  Except when I'm down at the game store, then there's not much for me to do OTHER than smoke, since I'm not a gamer.  But, I'll still go down there for the company.  The peeps there are bloody awesome!  And it's nice to have people who care to hang out with.

I'm SO looking forward to next Sunday, and our trip to Wild Waves. The kids are looking forward to it, and I can't wait!  They're going to have SO much fun, and I know it!  I love seeing my smalls have fun!  My cousin is planning on joining us, and the biggest Small's best buddy and his family are planning on joining us.  Not sure who else, but at least we'll have some people with us.  Da Hubband and I won't be alone with three kids.  And this year, all three are definitely big enough to go on EVERYTHING, or at least I'm pretty sure they are.

I'm kinda afraid of what's going to happen AFTER our trip!  ROFL With my fibro, and that much walking and other stuff, I'm afraid of how much pain I'm gonna be in.  It's worth it in the long run, though.  As much fun as they'll have, it's worth it.

Then, in a couple weeks, school starts  up again.  Just five days after the youngest's birthday.  His birthday is on Friday, and school starts the following Wednesday.  Fun times!  Number 1 is looking forward to school starting, and Number 3 kind of is.  Number 2 is NOT.  She's looking forward to seeing her friends, but doesn't want to have to go back to school.  I'm looking forward to it, as are my parents AND Da Hubband! LOL  Maybe I'll be able to get work done around the house again. Do some cleaning without them coming along behind me and trashing it!  C'est la vie.

Tired, so tired

I'm so tired of the stress.  I'm digging us into a hole we can't get out of financially, and it kills me.  I know that EVENTUALLY we'll be able to recover, but I'm not sure when that will be!  I'm hoping it will be SOONER rather than LATER, but I'm by no means sure of that.  I'm so tired of being told I'm a bad mother because of the situation we're in.  I had a 'friend' on facebook tell me that I'm NEGLECTING my kids because of the situation here.  Yup, I'm neglecting my kids by making sure that they get into the doctor's that they need to, even though it's an expense we really can't afford to take them across the Sound to these clinics.  I'm NEGLECTING my kids because I haven't thrown my abuser out on her sorry fucking ass, because she's threatened to call CPS and everybody else she can think of to get my children taken away from me (I know in my head that she hasn't a leg to stand on, but I'm still terrified that there's a minuscule chance she might).  But I'm neglecting my children's welfare because this woman screeches at me and puts me down every time I do something the least bit wrong.  I'm neglecting my children by encouraging, no, pushing my husband to take a job he really didn't want, just so we'd have income again to keep the bills paid.  I'm neglecting my children by pushing my own health concerns and needs to the side for three to five months so that we had the money to be able to take care of THEM.

I'm doing my level best to be the best mother I can, to make sure that my children have food to eat (even if it is only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches), a roof over their heads, and clothes on their backs (even if they come as hand me downs from friends or from freecycle).

I'll write more on this later, I promise

I guess since I've linked to FB, I should write here now, huh?

It's been a helluva ride the last few months. Ashe got fired, spent three months unemployed, no FOUR months, then got a new job back at the first place he worked here. I managed to juggle finances and not get us in the hole until THE WEEK OF HIS FIRST NEW PAYCHECK! Now, we're so deep in the damn hole I don't know which end is up. Ok, so it's not THAT bad, but it sure as hell FEELS like it!

I'm fighting the depression again, every breath, I have to tell myself that we will survive this, no matter what happens. My mother, who swore back in March that she was going to move out once her cataract surgery in May was done and she'd gone through her post-op checks is still here. I've got to sit down with her, my dad, my husband and possibly my brother and talk to them and tell her, as gently and lovingly as possible that our living together REALLY is *NOT* working, and that I truly was serious the LAST time I told her this. I love my mother because she is that, but honestly, I hate her, too. As a person. I really do not get along with her. For many reasons.

I'm going to sit down here in the near future and write an entry all about her and what she's done, at least from my point of view. Maybe it will be therapeutic. I don't know. I just want some of the stress I'm under to go away for a while.